The Birds and The Bees
by A Late Gentleman
Summary: It seems like almost everyone in town is giving Emma the "talk" and she just can't escape it! (A/N: This is dedicated to my Valentine for this Valentine's Day! I wanted to thank everyone for helping me with this fic.)
1. Chapter 1

Emma was sitting on the ground using a screwdriver to fix her toaster in her new home that she bought while she was the Dark One. The one thing that pissed her off more than the toaster was that her sexy black clothes had disappeared when the darkness had left her. She heard a light knock at the front door and made a hand gesture towards the door that made it open for her. She didn't look up as she concentrated on the task at hand.

"Did you steal our toaster from our house? I could've sworn that you were fixing one when you lived with us." Charming joked. Snow wasn't amused and she cleared her throat, "Emma, we need to talk to you about something important."

Emma tried one more time to get a part of the toaster loose and then put it down.

"Okay, but it better not be too long because I really need to fix this damn thing."

"Why won't you just use your magic to fix it like Regina does all the time?"

"It's because I would rather figure out how to do it by hand in case I'm some place where I'm not able to use magic, Dad."

Snow cleared her throat a little louder, "Emma, will you please stop what you're doing and listen to me?"

She finally stood up and sighed, "Fine, let's get whatever you're going to tell me over with."

"You should sit down for this one, Emma." Charming said while looking a bit nervous.

Charming and Snow followed Emma into her living room where they sat on her silver loveseat while she sat on a chair across from them.

Her parents were quiet for a moment and then Snow reached over to hold Charming's hand.

"You two aren't sick or anything, are you?" Emma asked.

"No, nothing like that! It's something Snow wanted to talk about."

Snow smiled at her, "Emma, I know that you are old enough to know all of this, but I want to cross this off of my list of things that I need to catch up on with you. Plus, I want you to be safe."

"Safe? Mom, I am safe. I have magic and I can control it now thanks to Regina's help."

"Not that kind of safe, Emma. I know that you already have Henry and I wasn't sure if you were...intimate with Hook. Now that you're with Regina, I think we have to talk about safe sex."

"Intimate with Hook? Are you kidding? I wouldn't let him near me with a ten foot pole! Why the hell are you here to tell me about safe sex? I haven't even had the chance to kiss her or hold her hand yet. I know how to have sex with a woman."

"Y-You already had sex with a woman? Emma, I thought Neal was your only...partner."

"Mom, I know how sex works, I have had Henry. No, Neal wasn't my only partner. Can we stop talking about this please?"

Snow's face became a little red from embarrassment, "It's my job as your mother to protect you from...from whatever can harm you. I don't know what Regina has been up to in the past 28 years, but I can tell you that she wasn't worried about protection then! Who knows what she could have because of all those she had sex with in the Enchanted Forest. I wouldn't be shocked if she had STDs."

"Snow, that's a bit harsh, don't you think?"

"Mom, why would you say something like that? Regina is a grown woman and probably did what she thought felt right for her. You're not the one having sex with her and neither am I, but I will be, dammit!"

"Can I leave now? I don't see how I can put in my two cents here…"

"No Charming, you're staying right here until we finish this."

"I have heard that there are condoms made for women that…"

"Snow, I can't stand here anymore and listen to this! Let's just leave Emma alone. What she does in the bedroom is her business."

"But don't you want our daughter to be safe, Charming?"

"Yes, but she's an adult now. I don't want to imagine my daughter in bed with anybody."

Emma was trying to wrap her head around what her mom had said and how she was educating her about safe sex.

Snow was about to say more when Emma decided to get the hell out of there by having a white golden cloud of smoke surround her.


	2. Chapter 2

Emma was in Regina's office since that was the destination that she chose when Regina looked up from her work. "It's very nice that you decided to drop by unannounced, Miss Swan."

Regina said when she took off her glasses to clean them.

"Regina, I just had another memory that might be worse than the taco incident with my parents."

Regina chuckled, "It's a pity that you can't enjoy a homemade taco anymore."

Emma rolled her eyes, "This isn't funny, Regina! My parents come to my house and say that they want to talk about something very important. All of a sudden, my mom starts ranting about how I should be having safe sex with you.

According to her, you aren't responsible because you didn't use a condom back in the Enchanted Forest. It was getting so awkward that even my dad was trying to leave. The worst part was when she was about to talk about condoms that I could use when I have sex with you."

Regina raised an eyebrow, "When you have sex with me?"

"I meant to say _if_ , not when I have sex with you. Anyways, I got out of there as soon as possible. I'm sorry that I came here unannounced."

"Isn't your mom a bit late with the birds and the bees conversation?"

"Yeah, but you know her, she wants to cross off things from her 'making up for my childhood' list."

"Although Snow came about this conversation all wrong, she does have a point."

"She has a point? Oh no, please tell me that you're not going to give me a talk too."

"Emma, there is something we do need to cover in case we do have sex in the future."

"Uh Regina, I don't need to hear it from you too."

Regina shook her head, "Since you and I are magic users, it's important that I tell you information that you need to know pertaining to sex."

Emma plopped down into a chair that was in front of Regina's desk.

"Okay Regina, lay it on me."

"Must you phrase it that way?"

"It sounded better in my head."

Regina used her hands to smooth out an invisible crease on her skirt.

"May I continue or are you going to keep interrupting me?"

"I'll listen, but if you start mentioning condoms, then I swear I'll be out of here so fast that you don't have time to say taco!"


	3. Chapter 3

"As I was saying, there is important information that you need to know because magic can be unpredictable. There are plenty of spells that can aid us if need be. They could involve giving either of us a certain part of the male anatomy, unlimited amounts of pleasure, to help with stimulation, and many more."

Regina paused as she let Emma take in all that she had said.

"I can use a spell to give me a dick?"

"Yes Emma, that's a possibility."

"Can I get you pregnant?"

"Why are you assuming that you would be the one with the…"

"Dick. Regina, you need to be able to say it. We're both adults."

"You might find it easy to say such a word, but I was not brought up that way!"

"I can use another word. Cock? Penis? Ding-a-ling? Dong? Package? Sausage? Baby maker? Joystick? Pocket rocket? Tally wacker? One hundred percent beef thermometer?"

"Emma..."

"What? I was trying to help you out here!"

"You shouldn't assume that you would be the one with the...dick."

"Sorry Regina, but I believe that it makes more sense."

Regina rolled her eyes, "You have much to learn, Miss Swan."

"I still think I should have the dick." Emma grumbled as she folded her arms in front of her and slouched in the chair like an upset child.

"The amount of time that someone can keep their extra appendage depends on the spell. It can disappear if the one casting the spell wants it gone or it might not disappear until the person cums. If the individual accidentally gives themselves one, then there are two possibilities. One is that the magic wielder can make it go away after they cum or might need someone else to help them since they cannot make it go away themselves."

Emma frowned, "You're making me question whether getting a dick to woohoo with is worth it!"

"I would be the one enacting the spell, not you."

"Regina, that's not fair at all! You know that I have control over my magic and I know that I can perform it without any problems."

"Have you ever done it before?"

"No but it can't be that hard! Oops, no pun intended."

"I had a lot of practice in the past."

"So you are the magic cock fairy?"

"Do you want me to continue to explain this or are you going to keep saying such immature things?"

"Fine, I'll be good."

"The two of us might accidentally release our magic during sex which might cause damage to each other or the surroundings. It can be dangerous and unpredictable. If you feel you might be losing control of it due to what you're feeling at the moment, then let me know immediately, and we will stop what we are doing."

"You can just fix whatever we break, Regina. I doubt either one of us would harm the other regardless if magic can be unpredictable. I trust you and I know you wouldn't hurt me."

"Thank you, Emma, that means a lot to me."

"I just don't want to wake up the next morning with my hair singed because you decided to add a fireball into the mix!"

"I wouldn't be so careless! I will let you know whether I want to try something new in the bedroom."

"Regina, can we have sex now? I can't control my lady boner."

Regina smirked, "You will have to deal with that on your own since I have a lot of work to do."

"That's bullshit, Regina!"

Regina sighed, "Very well, Emma, we'll do this your way."

Emma sat up straight immediately, "That's what I'm talking about."

"Are you ready to play, Emma?" Regina made a Classic Disney's Snow White dress appear and she held it up for Emma to see.

"I was thinking that we could do a little roleplaying where I would be the Evil Witch and you could be Snow White. Want to play with me, Emma?" Regina purred as she stepped towards Emma.

"Ew, not my mom, that's gross Regina! Looks like no more tacos or Disney's Snow White for me."

Regina chuckled, "I thought you wanted to have sex, Emma."

"...And my lady boner's gone." Emma sighed.

Regina continued to walk towards her, "Can't you imagine what it would be like to taste _my_ forbidden fruit? We can do a reenactment of you eating the apple and falling to the ground."

Emma's face turned pale and she transported herself far from Regina.


	4. Chapter 4

"Granny, I'm not going to stay here when I can be at the Rabbit Hole spending time with Belle! I have been working my tail off for you all week. Why can't you let me…"

Emma appeared above Ruby and fell on top of her.

Granny came out of the kitchen with a rolling pin up, "What's going on in here, Ruby? I'm not even gone for five minutes and you're already causing a ruckus!"

Emma had to untangle herself from Ruby. She stood up first and helped Ruby up.

"Sorry for literally dropping in, but I had to escape Regina. She was trying to get me into a dress."

Ruby asked, "What's so bad about that, Emma?"

"The dress was Snow White's dress from the original Disney movie."

Ruby started laughing and wiped a tear from her eye, "Oh man, I knew she can be cruel, but not that cruel! I've to give Regina a high-five next time I see her."

Emma rolled her eyes, "Shut up, Ruby!"

"What were you talking to Regina about?"

"She was giving me "the talk" and I couldn't believe she would tell me all of that after I had just heard something similar from my mom!"

"Which talk? Hugs, not drugs or don't get your eggo prego?"

"The second one."

Granny started chuckling, "Snow probably needs to stop crossing things off that list of hers and just trash it altogether. The next thing you know, she'll be dressing you up."

"Regina was probably jumping on the bandwagon."

Emma and Ruby sat at the counter.

"If you need help being educated about sex, then I can help you out, Emma." Ruby said.

Granny pointed her rolling pin at Ruby, "I'm taking it from here, Ruby. I have lived much longer than you and probably have gotten more tail than you back in my day."

Ruby covered her ears, "I don't want to hear about your sexcapades, Granny."

Granny smiled "Emma, you need to be on alert at all times when you're with Regina. You can't just jump her bones each time you get the itch. If you were a werewolf, then you would have it worse than you do now. It's not easy for a werewolf to control themselves when they walk by someone when that person has the faintest smell of sex."

Ruby nodded, "Trust me Emma, it sucks. I don't want to know if two people just banged. it's like they just told me that they had sex."

"Thanks for telling me that information, Ruby. I'll keep that in mind if I ever get to that point with Regina."

"Emma, you need to make sure that nothing ruins your sense of smell. Your nose is one of the most important senses besides taste." Ruby said.

The blonde stood up, "No more sex talks from either of you, please." Granny chuckled and said, "There was this one time when…"

All that the two werewolves saw was a puff of smoke and Emma was gone. Ruby covered her ears as Granny began to tell her all about her adventures.


	5. Chapter 5

Emma was back in her house and looking down at her still broken toaster. "I am going to fix you once and for all while I am not being interrupted."

She sat down on the floor and began using a screwdriver and knife while holding a flashlight in her mouth. She heard a loud ruckus and heard three very familiar voices.

"You have no right to criticize me!" Snow shouted.

Regina raised her voice, "I have no right? Emma told me about what you said about me and what I did back in our land."

"It's true, Regina, I knew it!"

Emma opened the door with magic and scowled at them. She let the flashlight fall on the floor.

"You two need to cool it. This is so ridiculous! You two need to stay out of my sex life." She said as she pointed at her parents.

She pointed at Regina, "You need to make a damn decision already about whether we're meant to be together cause I'm tired of your shit."

She paused for a moment, "Lastly, we are all getting tested so we can settle this."

"Emma, I know that Charming and I are clean! You should have her checked!" Snow said accusingly at Regina.

"I get checked when I need to. Are you hinting that I have your approval to sleep with Emma?"

Charming shook his head, "Just be safe if you two decide to uh…"

He cleared his throat, "I am not ready to have a second grandchild yet."

Snow balled her hands into fists, "I won't let you lay a finger on her! She is my daughter and I won't allow you to seduce her with your magic."

She looked at her daughter, "Emma, I want you to meet your own Charming."

Emma didn't say anything and decided to poof all of them to see Dr. Whale.

He saw them enter and smiled, "What can I help you all with?"

"All four of us need to be tested for STDs so I can go fix my damn toaster and be done with this."

Dr. Whale opened his mouth to ask a question, but the glare Emma gave him made him change his mind.

"Of course, Sheriff, please come this way."

He brought each person behind a curtain and drew their blood. He made sure to get enough blood to take two samples to make sure it was accurate.

Dr. Whale told them that the results would take weeks and that they should busy themselves for the time being.

As the four of them were leaving, Regina couldn't help but start pushing Snow's buttons.

"When my results come back as negative, I will make sure that Emma knows what it is like to be with a Queen."

"That will never happen and you will not go near her. I will supervise your visits with her." Snow snapped.

"Snow, stop this insanity right now! We don't have them getting on our case about our sex life, so we should respect that."

"But Charming…"

"I said that this is enough."

Snow looked defeated, but still gave Regina a look that gave a new meaning to the phrase, "If looks could kill."

For the weeks to pass by faster, each one of them had found something to busy themselves with.

Emma was working out and getting fit so that she could be prepared for whatever one particular Evil Queen was going to use on her.

Regina was practicing her magic so that she could use them to her advantages once she had some alone time with the former Dark One.

Charming was avoiding Snow for the time being and practicing shooting his guns. He was also training with his sword too. He was learning how to use a bow and arrow since he wanted to be better than Snow at it.

Snow had taken up painting and was painting her animal friends like squirrels, rabbits, birds, etc. Every animal known to man was being painted by her and Charming was drowning in all of the paintings.


	6. Chapter 6

The day had finally arrived when Dr. Whale asked them all to come to his office. He handed each one of them their results in a sealed envelope.

"I made sure to do the tests twice so that nobody could claim that there was any mistakes when reading the results. You know how to reach me if you have any questions."

The small group went to Emmas apartment and they sat in the living room. Emma and Regina were sitting in chairs close to each other. Snow and Charming were sitting on the loveseat together.

Emma looked down at her letter a bit nervously. This was probably the first if not second time that she had been tested. She was clean the first time, but that was years ago.

Regina had her envelope sitting on the table and although she did use whatever protection was available to her in the Enchanted Forest, she wasn't so sure of her results now.

The Charmings were completely calm during this whole ordeal and Snow was smiling.

Emma took a deep breath, "On the count of three, we'll open them and everyone can see the results."

The moment of truth had finally come and the expressions on their faces were very mixed.

Emma read it and grinned, "I have never been so happy to fail a test in my life."

Regina smirked and looked at Emma, "I can see us spending _a lot_ of time in your basement together."

Emma raised an eyebrow, "What did you do to my basement?"

"Aren't you supposed to be asking about what I'm going to _do_ to your 'basement'?"

Snow had a look of horror on her face and dropped the paper onto the coffee table.

Charming's hands were shaking as he held the paper in his hands.

"From your reactions, I can tell that you two didn't receive the results that you wanted."

"H-How is this possible? Charming, you've been the _only_ person that I have been with!"

Charming tried to hide behind his paper, but Snow grabbed it from his hands.

"Charming, you have something you want to tell me?"

"Snow, I'm so sorry! I was engaged with Katherine and you know how she can very demanding. I was taken advantage of and it's embarrassing to admit what had happened to me."

"I thought we weren't going to have anymore secrets!"

"How was I supposed to know that she caught something?"

"This is all your damn fault, Charming!"

Emma magicked her toaster into her lap as she watched her parents fight.

"I love how the tables have turned, Snow. I will enjoy every second that I will be spending with your daughter in the next ten minutes or so. I will make sure that you can hear _every_ glorious sound that she'll make too. Are you a screamer, Emma?"

The blonde pretended that she didn't hear Regina and kept fiddling with her toaster.

Snow stood up, picked up one of her paintings, and was going to launch it at Regina.

Instead, she had surprised everyone by raising it above Charming's head. He jumped off the couch and was trying to make it to the door.

Snow charged at him and was about to throw it when there was a loud bang.

Emma had stood up to throw her toaster through the painting and it had slammed against the wall.

"Aww shit, there goes my toaster! You better be pretty damn grateful Dad that I sacrificed my toaster to save your life."

"I can take care of myself, Emma. I promise to buy you a new toaster too after."

Snow lowered her painting and was beginning to get teary eyed, "I thought you said that this was your favorite painting, Emma."

"I lied, but it was only because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Plus, Dad told me that if you made another one of those paintings that he would use them as target practice."

"I said no such thing! Snow, you have to believe me!"

"Right now, I can't believe anything you said. What else have you not told me about? Do you like my cooking?"

Charming swallowed nervously and ran out of the room with a pissed off Snow on his heels.

Regina stood up and looked at Emma, "I think now is the perfect chance to show you how I upgraded your basement."

"When you say 'upgraded', do you mean that you turned it into the 'red room' or whatever the hell it's called?"

"Did you just quote that pathetic excuse known as reading material?"

"Ruby was reading it and was telling me all about it. She made sure to spare no detail."

Regina sighed, "I think you need to spend less time with Miss Lucas if she's going to share that with you and call it literature."

"Enough talk about Fifty Shades of Grey already!"

The two of them vanished while leaving a mix of purple and white smoke with gold mixed in.


	7. Chapter 7

Emma was taking in everything that she was seeing and her mouth was hanging open as she saw a wall that had almost every sex toy known to man hanging on it. There were other items that ranged from handcuffs to a riding crop.

As Emma was about to ask Regina what certain things on the wall were used for, she was left speechless when she saw what Regina was wearing.

She was wearing one of her Evil Queen dresses that Emma saw her wear when she time traveled with Hook. Her knees were becoming weak just from the look she was giving her. With a wave of Regina's hand, Emma was once again wearing what she had as the Dark One.

Emma's eyes focused on Regina as she walked over to the wall, picked up a riding crop, and held the tip in her hand as she turned around to face Emma.

"I think it's time that I demonstrate how to use this properly. Be a good Dark One and come over here."

Emma didn't have to be told twice and was now staring into Regina's beautiful lust filled chocolate eyes.

"I'm ready, Your Majesty."

"Let's begin."


End file.
